Echolalia

28 things you didn't know about me #30DBC

OK, complete stream of consciousness here... let's have some fun.

1. I have eclectic music tastes. I seriously listen to everything. If you were to attempt to classify my 20+ gigs of music on my iPod (which is a slice of what I own) you would think I was was crazy. But that's what happens when you grow up wanting to be on the radio.
2. I love the color pink. And black. And white. And turquoise blue. I spent months following a stranger who owned a metallic neon pink beetle because I wanted to get my car painted the exact same color.
3. I love to read. Stephen King's book,  The Stand is still one of the best stories I've ever consumed. Multiple times.
4. I love macaroni and cheese with lobster.
5. Butter runs through my veins. President is my favorite brand. Because it's French. Those French cows make special milk and when churned with some Mediterranean sea salt? It's heaven on a cracker.
6. I hate milk chocolate.
7. I love dark chocolate.
8. I hate chocolate martinis.
9. Good flourless chocolate cake? OMG!
10. I like dirty martinis. Grey Goose, please.
11. I love the old Star Trek, The Next Generation. One of the episodes, the one about a race where the people were all of neutral gender -- just made me cry.
12. I keep people in my life forever -- unless they are mean.
13. But generally, I am quick to forgive and forget.
14. I think Captiva has one of the most beautiful beaches in the world -- lots of shells and gorgeous sunsets. 
15. That said, St. John rules when it comes to beaches. Crystal blue water -- white sand. Heaven on earth. I cannot wait to return someday.
16. I am a voracious reader. I still love the original Kindle for reading books. I'm not big on biographies -- but I love good fiction with complex characters.
17. Sometimes, nothing but a beer and chips with sour cream will do.
18. My daughter is a mini-me. I'm scared about her upcoming teenage years as I'm not as strict as my mother and she's not as disciplined or mature as I was at her age. And I am glad that she is still young in her mind, actions and heart. She's very light and still innocent.
19. Chanel 19 is the perfume I bought in France when I was 19 and I have worn it consistently since then.
20. I am naturally a dirty blonde but I have tried life as a brunette, a redhead, but usually return to my roots with highlights. Hair grows. It's fun to change it up now and then. 
21. Steely Dan? Love that band. Donald Fagen's The Nightfly has got to be one of the best albums ever recorded. 
22. I worked in radio and would love to have my own talk show. Preferably held with coffee and maybe wine and cheese.
23. I never liked spectator sports much. But since my son started baseball? I'm a huge fan. I love watching and taking action photos of the kids in all the sports they participate in (including bowling, soccer and swimming.)
24. I think people who hate cats have never really known a cat. They are pretty amazing creatures -- they choose you -- they don't just obey. A relationship with a cat is different than one with dogs. (And I love dogs, too.) 
25. I am a romantic. I like the sweeping gestures. And not necessarily just in matters of the heart. I love the idea of having a home in a community. Yet, I love the anonomity of the big city. Both are romantic sweeping notions of a life as I picture it in my mind. I wish I could live the life of an artist in Paris for a summer and then I'd like to learn how to make olive oil for a summer in Italy. I think that disconnect from reality would be a refreshing change of view.
26. I daydream incessantly. Especially during summer. In the hammock. Under the tree. With a cat.
27. I love to take pictures.
28. I play the guitar when I need to feel deeply. 

Your turn.

You Can't Take it Back #30DBC

My friend, Royale, posted about the value of learning from our mistakes by simply observing. The title of her post -- Famous Last Words...I Really Didn't Think About It --  made me reflect on all the stupid stuff I've done in my life.

I'm not a big one on living a life of regrets. I tend to believe we do things we're not always proud of but hopefully, we learn from them and move through life a little wiser.  I also believe that we're here to connect but not all connections are necessarily going to last a lifetime and not everyone is healthy to have in your life (for your state of mind.) Sometimes, you have to be cruel to save your sanity.

But while I don't regret things, I do have a recorder in my brain that seems to replay things I've said out of anger -- no matter how many times I try to erase the memory.  They range from the purely inappropriate said in complete jest (to my mother-in-law!) to a mean denial (to my dad about the naming of my son.) 

I have uttered words that were cruel to lash out at someone when I've felt misunderstood or frankly, fed up. And it's true what they say, once things come out of your mouth -- the ship has sailed. It's hard to bring it back in to port.

I doubt that other people still play those words in their recorders -- my guess is that they've been long forgotten. But I can't help think that I should have been kinder, wiser, smarter -- I should think before I speak. 

And you know, there are a few things I've said that have enriched my life -- and no, I can't take them back either. Entirely inappropriate perhaps? Admitting a crush, being a goofy admirer, saying I love you when I wasn't quite sure if the feelings were appropriate much less returned -- those things I don't regret, although I admit to being a little embarrassed by my declarations.

Does your recorder instantly replay things you've said 20 years ago, too?

 

Breaking Bread in the 'Burbs #30DBC

I just read an article in the New York Times about the demise of a city institution, The Dinner Party.

Free on Saturday night for dinner and poker?

The author talked about how difficult it is to fill the table with interesting people, plan the "right" menus, and deal with guests who don't really know the rules of etiquette.  They don't always RSVP, and if they do, it's last minute and via text.

I lived in Manhattan when I was out of college. I was far too broke and unconnected to be part of any social circle that involved the dinner ritual. I would read articles about fancy parties and imagined myself dressing up to the nines (what does that mean anyway?!) and being seated next to good conversationalists in art and business circles. "Well when I was in Cannes..." I'd begin.

Yep.

Instead, I found my life partner and he and I moved out of our city apartments, had a year lay over in Hoboken and eventually wound up in Old Greenwich, CT. A completely different fantasy filled my head. I saw the 30 somethings from Wall St -- blond women with tow headed children on the beach at the point -- husbands coming home off the train. And for a while, I imagined myself in that role -- throwing the annual Christmas parties or having a masked ball.

All along, I had a job. I actually had several. I was never a socialite, and I worked in an office until I formed my consulting practice a few years before we had our kids.  Poof! The fantasy of fancy dinners disappeared.

When we moved "upstate" (actually Central New York) we knew a handful of people. Most of us had young children. We also enjoyed adult company. And through a desire to do both -- have our limited time filled with our kids, keep expensive babysitters and evenings out to a treat -- we started having dinner parties.

These were not fancy affairs, but they were culinary adventures. We've had lots of theme nights -- soup, salads, barbeque, Japanese, takeout Thai, meals on sticks, freshly caught wild game -- you name it, we'd do it. Everyone would bring something and we'd eat together and share stories of job hunting, health, politics, religion, sex, caring for aging parents, and raising children. 

And when dinner was done, we played Texas Hold'em. In the beginning, when the kids were really young, we'd put them to sleep and stay up talking and drinking and playing until 2:00am. As the years progressed and early weekend sports became the norm, we've found that we need to end things by 10:30 or 11:00 so everyone can get home and sleep before the next morning.

Breaking bread together has been a very significant part of my social life. My kids have learned how important it is to welcome people into your life, into your home and to be kind.  We've had nights with upwards of 12 kids running around while we adults were crowded around a table, laughing, and forming inside jokes that will last for years (Lenny Kravitz!) Some friends have been staples around the table, and we've had a few move on  -- some  literally -- to other countries! I wish it were possible to do more than 4 couples at at time. It gets a bit unweildy when there are more -- but sometimes we do it anyway.

One of the interesting things is how much you can tell about people when you play a game that is social and yet cerebral with other couples. People who are too competitive or nit-picking their spouses just don't make it back. We have a lot of mutual respect and admiration for the people around our table and always bring in new couples or singles who are easy-going and interesting -- but to be honest, I've invited people just because I'd like to get to know them. Funny thing, as the kids have more activities on the weekends, we've had a difficult time coordinating our dinners. And we've discovered that or kids miss them as much as we do.

I wouldn't trade our weekend gatherings -- as simple as they are -  for a million NYC dinner parties. Would you?

Saving the Endangered Dinner Party - NYTimes.com

Terrible Wrong? No, Terribly RIGHT! #30DBC

Limbo is that place, that state of mind that is neither here nor there. It just is. And you have to live in the moment, no matter how uncertain it is, to move on through it onto the next stage. There are no shortcuts.

We've been in a strange state of limbo since early September when my husband was hit in the neck by a baseball. (More on that story in an upcoming post.) We learned that he had a big tumor on the way back of his tongue -- stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma. Yup, cancer.

His particular tumor, while requiring a heavy treatment plan, actually has a great prognosis. With this type of cancer, they don't talk about remission, they use the word cure. That's big. That's hopeful.

So on one hand, you have a really crappy diagnosis - cancer. And a brutal, sustained treatment plan. (7 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week -- plus chemo each week. Then several weeks to start to heal and in a few months you get your taste buds back and hopefully aren't too destroyed by the side effects of the poison used to treat you.) Yet the ultimate outcome -- the prognosis, is fantastic. Meaning -- if you're going to get a serious cancer -- this is one that you have an excellent chance of surviving.

As we share the details of this adventure with friends and family -- we often talk about how people really pull together when things are terribly wrong. And it's true -- this is a crisis. When you're relatively young, busy and active, and you are stopped dead in your tracks because of a major health issue -- it is just wrong!  

Funny thing though -- in this case, things are "terribly right."  What I guess I mean is that yes, they are terrible, but in the scheme of things 3 months of hell for a cure is not a bad thing.  On a day to day basis, we just hang in there and do what we have to do. And honestly, what would anyone do? You accept your fate and you deal with it head on so that you can move forward.

Suffice it to say that if you lose your ability to swallow and if water feels like jet fuel going down your throat, you're going to be miserable. As the cancerous tumor and surrounding tissues are damaged, they constantly slough off and the phlegm is thick and pasty and it is incredibly difficult to breathe when it builds up to the point where you have to violently expel it.  He's not sleeping much, and honestly, neither am I. And as a wife, and advocate, as well as a mother and  best friend -- my heart aches and I'm damned tired. But truth be told, you could tell me it would take 6 months, or a year, or longer, and knowing that this treatment is saving his life means that in the end, no matter how bleak things are in the short term, the long term is going to be all right.

And he has excellent care. And we have great doctors and nurses, friends and family, everyone available on call as needed. And good insurance. And each other. And a sense of humor. And great kids. And -- well -- see how this goes? It's hellish, but it's OK. It's not terribly wrong, it's just terribly right.

Vulnerability. Strength or Weakness? #30DBC

 
I've been posting a lot of personal things lately, as life has thrown us a few curves and we're bending and stretching to hit them all out of the park anyway. I mean, what else are you going to do? Hide in your closet and wait for the storm to pass? 

Since I like to write about things I know intimately, I wonder,  is it all TMI? How much sharing is too much? Am I turning into one of those people who cross the line so far that people are secretly saying I wish she'd shut up? Who the heck wants to read my ramblings anyway?

I shared my concerns with an old friend who doesn't bullshit me. In response, my friend Bryan sent me this TED Talk, given by Brene Brown about the power of vulnerabilty. Seems like she's done an awful lot of research about what makes us who we are. In this talk she takes us through her experience as a qualitative researcher and storyteller (oh, how I could identify there!) and how much she likes to quantify even the messy stuff in life. One of the major discoveries she made is that the very act of putting yourself out there takes a lot of courage. And being able to embrace the uncertainty -- the very thing that researchers try to avoid -- measuring things without a definite, definable, measurable and repeatable outcome -- is the secret to be connected to others, and by extension, happiness. 

Let me say that again.

Being able to take chances in life, not knowing the outcome of your actions, is the key to joy and a full life. And that's what vulnerability really is. It is allowing yourself the permission to put it out there -- to try new things, to discuss tough subjects, to share the truth even when it isn't pretty or flattering -- that is the secret to life.

Whew! Isn't that powerful? Take a look at the video and tell me if you agree with Brene. 

Maybe TMI isn't really Too Much Information but rather Totally Messy Inspiration?

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Some are silver and the other are gold #30DBC

Remember this childhood rhyme?

"Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and other is gold."

The rule is pretty simple -- go make shiny new friends -- but your longer term, old friends are like gold, always hold on to them.

While old friends certainly can feel comfortable like your favorite pair of slippers, there is something to be said for bringing new people into your life.  Like shoes, a new pair is important now and then as different footwear is good for different terrain. 

I have young children, and I have met many other wonderful men and women who have become "framily" to us. We live far from my sisters and my husband's brothers and so these are the people who have become part of our daily lives. We celebrate birthdays together, we vacation together, we help each other through rough patches. We cheer for each other's kids at soccer and baseball, we cry when we hear about divorces or illness. No, new friends don't have the history that our old friends share, but we are creating our new shared memories together, now. We live in the present, not in the past.  Many of these friends have become as dear as our old friends and have quickly become people with whom I have no doubt that we'll know long into our gray hair days.

We've been dealing with some serious health issues in our home.  Our family came up as soon as they heard (traveling 500+ miles from points south) -- but they can only do so much from afar. So, we've had to rely on our friends to provide practical support (rides, childcare) as well as emotional support (often including wine!) One of my old friends took an entire week of meals upon herself -- (filled my freezer, full!) and another paid her cleaning people to come get my house in order.  That's old friends for you.  (Go big or go home!)

Friends bring color into your life!

I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was to have our newer friends set up a MealTrain to feed us over these past few several weeks.  And the most amazing part is how many people signed up to help us.  Many people we knew socially, but they were not close friends. It's not like we actually need to be fed each day. At first, I resisted the idea. But as the weeks have gone on, I have discovered that there is nothing more nurturing than people who care who want to do something. A meal is something so basic -- but we have to eat. Helping nourish someone else, especially when there's nothing else you can really "do" takes on a greater meaning than usual.

No matter where I go, people are always offering help. And they call daily, they laugh and they cry with us. These people go beyond friends -- they've turned into what I like to call "framily."  While some say blood is thicker than water, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends -- and they can choose you.

And then, there is an entirely different group of people that I have been talking with for what seems like years online, but we've yet to meet in real life. Yet I feel like I know them well and they me, too. I have no doubt that when we finally see each other, we'll embrace and settle in comfortably. These new friends bring new experiences, new stories, new ways of looking at things. They offer their friendship without strings attached.  We just wind up being there for each other, connecting, providing comfort and advice not from a feeling of obligation but rather by choice. 

Friends are the glue that keep us together. Whether old or new, the truth is that you have to be willing to receive help when it is offered, and you have to be able to give help when it is needed. True friendship is a balance of vulnerability. We don't want to always admit it when we need help, and often we don't want to request it or take it when it is offered. But in order to have friends, you have be a friend. And you have to forget about the "tit for tat" notion. People give freely without expecting anything in return. And a good friend knows when to give freely and when to be open to receive.

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[Comic] Social Media Security Fail - StumbleUpon

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/Amn8LX/www.socmedsean.com/comic-social-media-security-fail/

So very true!

BFF? OFF! Old Friends Forever #30DBC

I have a lot of "old friends."  Yes, many of them are up in years, but that's not what I mean, silly.

I am still in touch with people I have known from the beginning of my life, at least as much as I can remember. I play Words With Friends with my friend Meg who I have known since kindergarten and even though she moved away in 4th grade, I still can remember her expressions as if I were still 10, too! I can't wait to spend some time IRL (in real life) having dinner or a girls weekend someday. I've never met her husband or kids nor she mine, but I follow along with her Facebook postings and love that she is still part of my life after all these years. For some reason, I just *know* that we will have a good time when we meet.

Robin and I have been friends since the first day of high school. We've shared lots of life events -- first crushes, boys and mint chocolate chip kisses, falling in love, having babies, the death of our parents and more through the years.  Back in the day when we used tape for phone messages, she and I would use it all up, leaving each other 1/2 hour long messages!

Megan I met after college in NYC -- an unlikely friendship formed as we were both roomates of an absent roomate -- and we wound up both leaving that NYC apartment and getting a place of our own. (Basement of a house in Weehawken. We had a particularly memorable experience when it flooded from a nasty storm one year.) She and I have more belly laughs, challenges of intellect (Megan is an Excel pro), dreams of getting our business off the ground (and dealing with conmen and crazy personalities) and she fixed me up with my husband to boot! 

I spent a few escapist hours yesterday with my friend Kathy who I met when I was just 19. We shared the summer  together when we both signed up for a semester in France. Ah, to be young in Paris in 1984. 13 francs to the dollar if I recall correctly. We had a few weeks in Paris, then time in St. Malo, and then we spent the last few just traveling along the Riviera -- without a care in the world. Those memories will always be part of my vision of Kathy. Through the years, we've camped together, we've had children, we've survived illnesses, and I've watched mental illness take her sweet, brilliant husband away from her and change both of their lives, forever.

I could name everyone, make a list -- "mark" it up with details. But I can't summarize how important these people are to me and who I am today. They make me whole.

There is something that only 20+ years of knowing a person can do for you. Kind of puts everything into perspective.  You don't need to repeat all the background stories, they just get it. They know who you are and they still love you. And you, them.

My dad told me that I was lucky if I had one best friend in the world.  He died at 72 in 2006 and his best friend, Joe, died this past September. After my dad passed, I talked with Joe on the phone several times. It was like talking with my dad. He had that same calm voice, that wry sense of humor, incredible intelligence, charm, and wit, and great advice. They were friends for 40+ years. And man, did they share some crazy life changes through those years.

Do you keep in touch with your old friends? Do you tell them how much they mean to you? Time flies -- slow it down a bit and make sure to reach out. It's good for you, it's good for them, too. 

Next post -- love the one you're with. :)  (It's important to make new friends, too.)

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Social Media, Imperfectly Perfect? #30DBC

Posting and blogging and tweeting and instagramming. What do these things all have in common? Instant gratification!

I believe the briliance of the social media is the ability to post spontaneously. And like so much in life these days, the old rules aren't necessarily helpful when you are just jumping in. It's not that grammar or structure are no longer important, but rather, the idea that you have to polish your text or photoshop your your blemishes on your photos before posting is very old school. 

Truth be told, social media is just life real life. Most people feel more comfortable with those who are willing to relax a bit and let their guard down when meeting others. I know this to be true -- my closest girlfriends are those whose homes aren't picked up each time I visit. (I can assure you, neither is mine!) And we all go out without makeup or our hair done -- and often meet for that first cup of coffee in our pjs.  The truth is, we're ourselves no matter what the situation is. And in our real lives, sometimes, hell, most of the time, things are definitely NOT perfect. Showing up with your guard down goes very far in having genuine relationships.

It's great to have a clean house, and I love feeling polished -- but the point is that you don't have to be that way all the time and in fact, if you are, you can have the opposite effect on people than intended! Hard to believe, but its those flaws that make us who we are. 

As for getting online -- I think the trick to posting is to share what you know and be open to differing opinions. And if you are going to post something controversial (anything political, religious or sexual in nature) then you should expect to attract people who are going to see it another way. That doesn't mean that you have to avoid this issues, but think before you post something that is absolute. Keeping the door open to discussion allows real conversations, real learning.

I think the worst thing is to allow your sense of perfection to ruin your opportunity to start whatever it is you have an urge to do or say.  One of my favorite quotes ever? The one that I clipped out of a booklet when I was about 13 or 14 and have had with me (now tattered and torn) since then? 

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!” 
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

Read more in the post that got me thinking -- by Anna Rydne.

http://www.steamfeed.com/why-you-are-better-off-not-being-perfect-online/

 

Get Up, Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone Because You Are Either Growing Or Dying

It's been seven years soon since I decided that I had enough sitting on the sofa and watching my life go past me. It is true that treading water in life isn't an option, trying to play safe and do nothing and just hope everything gets better doesn't work. If you want to really live the life you desire then you have you get up and get out there and make it happen.

via thedietguy.typepad.com

I stumbled upon this web site while searching for good people to follow through TypePad. There are so many amazing people who use these tools to tell their stories and share their thoughts that I feel compelled to be part of the conversation.

We all have our reasons for doing or not doing things that will improve our lives. I don't know how the spark starts for you, but for me, something clicks after days, weeks or months of mulling over something that is life changing. Once in a blue moon, it takes only a few minutes to change my perspective. Be it the right words from someone, a song, or a feeling that it is time to seize the moment.

Wherever you are in your process, I hope you get where you are going sooner than later. With one life, we have one chance. Use yours.

Say what you have to say #30DBC

 

Go ahead, grab a tissue. I can wait.

This video reminds me of one of my all time favorite songs -- the Dave Matthews song -- Everyday. The video has a guy just walking around NYC asking people for hugs. The reactions from people are priceless. I remember when this first came out. I would play it in the car with the kids as I drove them around. We had hand motions to go with the words. "Pick me up love, from the bottom, up to the top, love, everyday."

There's something so pure and simple about the universal desire to make a connection and feel loved. It's not that complicated. It's not easy to make yourself vulnerable, as you just never know what someone is going to say when you share your admiration for him. 

You know what's interesting? Soul Pancake quoted research that states that people feel better giving compliments as opposed to getting them. Funny how that works, eh? You actually get more when you give than when you receive.

Take today to tell someone how you feel. Really feel. It will do you a world of good. And you just might be surprised what they say back to you.

We are connected to each other in ways that we can't explain. But somehow or another, the right people fall into your life just when you need them -- or they need you. Don't let precious time slip away, say what you have to say.

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Two Kids, Two Hundred Miles and One Mad Libs App #30DBC

We decided to do something completely different for the Thanksgiving holiday this time.

Instead of spending the 4 day break together with my sisters and their families -- this year, my husband and I needed to stay close to home.  My sister offered to host our children -- as it had been a while since all the cousins had seen each other for any length of time. They were long overdue. 

So, I got up at 5:00 and we were on the road by 5:45 headed down to Allentown, PA where my one sister's inlaws live. They were kind enough to agree to take my kids with them down to Virginia, sparing me a 6 1/2 hour drive all the way down and another 6 and who knows how many back home to Syracuse with the crazy holiday traffic.

We stopped for coffee before the sun rose and connected to my iPod so that we could listen to Radio Lab together. (If you're not familiar with this award-winning series of podcasts -- do yourself a favor. Your children will be as mezmerized by the delightful audio presentation as you are and you'll be astonished how much you remember after your ride.)

We listened to one "short" (about genius -- is it just raw talent, or is it the love and obsession that makes you good at what you do?) Then my daughter who was sitting in the backseat took my iPad out and started a game of Hang Man with us.  "Can you read that back, Jules?"  "N, A, E. "   "No, I mean could you read it back and use the word "blank" when we're missing a letter?" I begged her. Let it be known that blind hangman is difficult to play. Without being able to visualize where the letters were fitting much less remember which letters we already tried -- we failed miserably and wanted to move on to something else, actually anything.

As I went to change the station to something other than the Disney Channel (a mom can take only so much pop) I said to no one in particular "When I was YOUR age..." (Collective groan.) "Well... on our trips in our station wagon, we played a word game called Mad Libs."  My son, John-Luke, a boy who takes after his mother when it comes to all things technology, immediately whipped out his phone and searched for an app -- surely there must be one for THAT! And just like that, we were in business.

Driving 3 1/2 hours in the early morning hours with a 9 and 12 year old can be intolerable if they're not sleeping or entertained, but I'll tell you, that last hour and a half was an absolute blast. The kids took turns picking out stories and asking for nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs. We started out meekly -- using colors, and simple descriptive words. But as we got rolling, they got creative! We tried not to reuse words and we came up with silly nicknames for each other when the game called for a person's name. There was more than one time that I laughed so hard that I nearly had to pull the car over to gain control! 

I was actually a bit sad when I had to turn around and head back home by myself. 

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7 things I'm not grateful for... #30DBC

Is that a pop-up timer in your belly or are you just happy to see me?

 

Yeah, yeah, we're all in the mood to write grand posts of thanks -- and surely, I have lots to be grateful for. However, in the spirit of the great contrarian, I share 7 things that get my goat this time of year...

1. Black Thursday Evening. -- What the heck? Why can't people stay home and off the roads just one day a year? Do we always have to buy, buy, buy? I am proud to say that I have never shopped on Black Friday and have no intention of fighting crowds at Walmart. Ever.
2. Christmas songs on the radio -- I kid you not, one of our local stations started playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. By the time the 25th of December rolls around, no wonder grandma gets run over by a reindeer! In fact, I think think I might just throw myself in front of a reindeer to get a pair of those Christmas Shoes (If Mama Meets Jesus Tonight!)
3. Traffic -- Anyone ever try to take Route 95 anywhere along the Eastern states during the holiday season? What is already a mess is even worse with overstuffed revellers and frantic seasonal shoppers! 
4. Dry Skin -- Yes, admit it. This time of year we're all inside more often than not, and the heat is on. That means flaky skin. Loofahs and a good moisturizer and you'll look and feel better!
5. Unseasonably Warm Weather - For some reason, we're still getting dry skin even though the weather seems to fluctuate between tropical and freezing this time of year. That means that any flu or cold germ that we meet feels like we are perfect hosts. Plus, the ticks are still alive. Nothing worse than picking out a tick from your cat's fur in late November in Syracuse.
6. Post Election Talking Heads - The election was over weeks ago. And yet they are still dissecting why the other guy won. Get over it. Move on. Talk about the economy. The one that has to improve so that we can all afford to pay our credit card bills come January.
7. Holiday Advice in Fashion Magazines -  So this may sound petty, but I'm tired of all the seasonal advice. My lastest Fashion Mag of the Month has 31 different hairstyles, clothes and makeup for all the upcoming parties for all the days in December! I don't think I've ever been invited to 31 parties this time of year much less attended that many.  And I know I'm not alone! Stop it, you're giving me a complex! And I'm equally sick of seeing gift ideas that start at $1500 on up for "your best friend."  Unless this is targeted to Hollywood starlets, Wall St. wives and Oprah -- let's be a little more realistic, shall we?

Whew!

PS

I am grateful for an amazing group of friends and family. And especially for those who are too far away to see regularly. Thanksgiving is a time for reflection -- and not just the one in the mirror! With wine glass raised, I wish all a Happy Thanksgiving. 

 

Ten ways to be "authentic" while using Social Media #30DBC

I think that some folks seem to equate social media with advertising. Advertising is positioned to appeal to our aspirations. That's why people always look perfect in commercials, cars are always gleaming as they curve along sinewy roads and food looks better than in real life. We pay attention to commercials that show us who we could be if we had product X in our lives because many of us aspire to be more. This isn't exactly truth you're looking at. It's designed to appeal not repel!

On TV and other mass media -- people expect commercials in between quality programming. Most of us know that the providers need to pay the bills, so we accept them, albeit, begrudgingly. 

Social Media is another form of communication, but because it's a two-way street -- the rules are different. You can't just start posting links to your products and expect to be successful. In this world, people expect to get to know you -- to understand what you are all about -- and only then will they be able to trust you and what you are selling.

Here are 10 things that can help keep you honest and authentic with your postings.

1. Read, think, and post.  When you read something that you agree with, repost it and add your two cents. When you disagree, acknowledge the posters point of view and politely state your objections and ask for a response. This encourages a dialogue.

2. When someone asks your advice on something, use your answer as the seed for a new post. If you can give someone solid advice, you have the ability to acknowledge a problem and to think through solutions. That's the real you, use it!

3. Write for yourself, first. When you use your own language, your own tone, your own stories, you are consistent from post to post. You can't help yourself. 

4. When posting about a new product you have to offer, use your manners. You would never shake someone's hand in person and then hand him a flyer, that would be rude.  Introduce yourself. Share your expertise with your opinion. Then, and only then, let people know what you do and how you might solve problems for them.

5. Use your own name. Or consistently use a handle or pen name that represents the essence of you. (e.g., I'm TheDataDiva -- a name that reflects my knowledge and passion for gathering and analyzing data).

6. Use your own picture. A recent picture, please. Not fuzzy -- and without sunglasses!

7. Create a page in LinkedIn. One of the easiest ways to check if someone is who he says he is to review his profile.  Not only should someone have a complete profile, but he/she should be linked to other people who worked at similar places or are in associations or groups. I have discovered several fake profiles over the years by simply looking around at the companies people claim to have worked for and following their "connections." You would be surprised how many people fake a profile and how easy it is to tell if you use some elementary detective work.

8. Change it up -- as you do in your real life! Engaging people talk about lots of subjects.  They aren't always positive or always negative. They incorporate details that ring true to the tale they are telling. When you maintain the same fake photo, and post only links to other peoples posts or quotes you appear to be hiding. 

9. Link to other people who share similar opinions and also to those who have opinions contrary to yours. This helps you keep perspective -- don't just drink your own Kool-Aid! It also lets people know that you are serious about the topics you follow.

10. Answer comments on blog posts. Forward tweets and posts on LinkedIn. Don't just "like" something, add your two cents. The world is so boring without a difference in opinion.

Being authentic isn't some kind of technique or trick. It does require conscious effort to stop reworking your words into a pale, bland heap of nonsense. The more you practice sharing, the better you'll become at it.

 

 

Your birthday, just another number? #30DBC

Mark your calendar. Happy Birthday.

He's not one for the fanfare that often accompanies the milestone years, or so he says.

Today marks his "big five-oh." As a longtime friend who I've known for more than 30 years, I can understand his reluctance to make a big fuss. After all, it is just a number.

I spent years not really thinking much about the day that marked each passing year, too. While many people I knew made sure to take off their day from work and plan big gatherings, I spent my early years working on not only my birthday, but on many other holidays.

In my radio days, it was fun to get a shift on a day when you could spin Christmas tunes all day and get paid extra for it. Retail jobs also offered extra pay for holiday shifts. I suppose the fact that my family wasn't really into big parties or celebrations played a roll as well. I can't ever remember having a party as a child. And with my day firmly sandwiched between Christmas and New Year's it was never a good time to get people together -- as everyone was out of town with family or on vacation.

As I got older, the big years started to stand out in a very meaningful way. I can clearly remember the who, the where and what of my 20th, 30th and 40th birthdays. (My 38th was spent in labor, so that's pretty memorable as well!)  Having children also put the focus on the day, too. What child doesn't look forward to that special day where the party is centered on something that happened to him without any effort at all? As the years have progressed, I have gone from barely acknowledging the day -- to finding the joy in reaching yet another significant milestone and celebrating with friends and family. 

I've never shied away from the number, that's for certain. I can't imagine why anyone would to be honest. The alternative to a new number is, well, bluntly put -- DEATH! And if you think of it that way, you can look at each passing year as a major accomplishment. Each year adds a new lustrous coat of sheen to that pearl that is you. The more you learn and share, the more valuable you become. Why try to shave off numbers when your experiences are so much a part of who you are?

Fifty is a good milestone, indeed. I'm not quite there yet, but I am happy to celebrate the many years my friend has lived and wish him many more good ones in the future.

A birthday gives you a chance to think back on all you have accomplished -- or not -- and celebrate the fact that you got through another one.  Hoping that you can enjoy your day -- and can celebrate your milestone any way you feel appropriate -- because YOLO -- you only live once! 

Passion. Do you have it? #30DBC

A fellow blogger in the #30DBC, Cliff Cardin, had a great post today. 

Cliff talked about the importance of learning the skill of focus -- that is, fully committing to something you'd like to accomplish. The formula is simple on the surface. You need to know what you want (your goal) and then you have to direct your resources (time, effort, money) in order to achieve it. 

As I read his post tonight, it got me thinking about another piece of the equation -- that is, passion. I believe that becoming good at anything truly is a matter of practice. For example, there are countless pianists who play the masterpieces with technical perfection.  However, sometimes you can see something missing when you watch them, and you can hear it in the notes they create. Something in their performance doesn't move you.

I think the missing ingredient is passion.

Passion is defined as an intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction. 

It's the reason you get up early in the morning, and the excuse for why you can't quiet your mind at night. It is what drives artists to starve, athletes to collapse in exhaustion, dancers to bloody and distort their feet.

Passion is a gift. Not everyone has it. And from observing people who seem to slog on through life, I often wonder if everyone really wants it.

Passion can drive you to drink, it can put you in the poorhouse, it can ruin your relationships.

When you cross the line from wanting to achieve a goal to making it your purpose for being, you can go from good to great. You leave a little part of you in everything you do -- be it your job, your artwork, your food, your writing.

I have shifted my focus, and ignited new passions after major life events (like the birth of my children) and in challenging times in order to feel  the reason to get up and out of bed with a smile. I have had times in my life where I had a difficult time reaching within. I wasn't compelled to move forward. I've lost my passion, too. That's why I think it is such a gift -- it is not a given!

Sadly, I have met many people who haven't ever seemed to find their place in the world -- nothing seems to delight them. They go about their daily lives without a real purpose. And they seem to be followed by a gray cloud that shades everything they do. 

If you're stuck in a routine, think about how you can find joy and purpose in the goals you set for yourself. I know just writing about this gave me reason to pause and think how I'm going to rewrite the script for the next chapter in my life.

 

#Poetry The 14th of November #30DBC

It's Wednesday, yes, 14th November

Dangerously closing on December.

The chill is here, it's in the air -- soon snow will fall, we dare prepare?

The shops, I fear, are dressed for sales

with red and green and silver bells.

I am not ready, I doth protest, we barely had our autumn rest!

The pumpkins still, hold guard at night

While cats go hunting with delight.

Alas, it's late, my bed is calling  - good night  to all --  to sleep I'm falling.

For the unbeliever or reluctant social media initiate. - Oscar González

My friend, Oscar hits the nail on the head, yet again. This post is particularly relevant after my post from today about Social Media NOT being Bullshit!

I find that the people who don't take the time to play, learn and experiment are the same ones who didn't get a mobile phone until last year.

Say what you want, but Luddites will not rule the future.

 

http://notagrouch.com/repost-great-article-unbeliever-reluctant-social-media-initiate/

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For the unbeliever or reluctant social media initiate. - Oscar González

Is Social Media really just Bullshit? #30DBC

According to B.J. Mendelson  

“Marketing is fiction created by salesman to get companies to buy ideas they don’t need, to sell customers what they don’t want, to an end that only benefits their own.” 

Really, now, B.J.! You were a marketer (or so you claim) before you turned into a comedian. Now you are a writer who is using over a half-million twitter followers, videos on YouTube and more to promote your book.  You can't really believe that.  Or is this all one big joke to you?

It doesn't sound like a joke to me. Judge for yourself.  You can read a free chapter of his book here.

Marketing, like any other profession, has it's methods. They are all based on advances in communication tools. Most of us believe that our job, done correctly, is to

1. Identify what is unique, beneficial, and appealing about our offering.
2. Identify and locate  those who might best benefit from it's purchase.
3. Using words, sounds, pictures --  provide a means of turning interested, qualified prospects into customers. 

I truly believe that good marketers are often the smartest and most strategic people in the company and if their efforts are honest they provide a very valuable service to people. I must admit though, despite his obviously spiteful commentary about marketing and sales, he does have some very valid points.

One thing that really stood out was his declaration that more money is made by people coaching other people how to make money on the web than people actually making money on the web!

I keep company with many self-proclaimed social media experts. I think many of them genuinely have great ideas on 1. creating content that potential customers can use to make decisions and 2. making sure that content is seen. Of course, there are many, many, more people out there who make themselves seem much more successful than they are. They are very good at getting people to follow them but they really don't move as much product as they might suggest.  Like all those "get rich quick" gurus -- you wonder why any of them would be constantly hawking themselves if they made half as much as they claimed. I look at some of the things they spew and just want to scream out! 

"Social Media isn't about having a large number of followers. (You do know that you can buy thousands of twitter followers for practically nothing, really!)  Nor is it about broadcasting on your Facebook page. It's not a collection of white papers on your blog, either.  It isn't about lying, and it isn't about deceiving others."

I don't think it is "bullshit" to use his very SEO-friendly title!

Social Media done right is about having a dialog with your prospects and customers. It allows unprecidented access to people who could use what you are offering. Access meaning -- you can reach them and they can in turn, reach you. In fact, it doesn't have to be about selling anything. It could be as simple as finding people who have something in common and giving them a chance to talk about it together. 

Author Mendleson says that he's just looking out for the small business person. What is interesting to me is how Social Media can make the playing field a little more level for the small guy. It is true that if you have a large budget and dedicated staff members devoted to producing and distributing content you have a better chance of seeing a greater ROI. But even small businesses can use tools to get valuable feedback and to share information and offers even with a limited amount of time to devote to the process.

Funny thing. My girlfriend told me the other day that she just didn't get Twitter until Hurricane Sandy hit. By filtering the local posters she could see where she could go for supplies, such as gas. That was Social Media at its core: helping people connect with other people. Isn't that what most of broadcasting is about? Sharing news? Sharing stories? 

 

How do you generate new ideas? #30DBC

For the better part of the last 25 years I've made my living as a marketing person. Whether it's writing presentations, designing surveys, creating websites, building databases, or preparing talks -- I always start out thinking "Oh, Lord! What did I get myself into?" 

People I meet often ask me how I come up with all my ideas. Since I tend to have a lot of wacky ones, I'm not sure if the question is always genuinely positive or actually a back-handed compliment!

Good ideas -- the ones that wind up being implemented -- don't just pop into my head without some research and good old fashioned dreaming. In fact, although I've been told that I am a pretty divergent thinker -- I believe that anyone can generate good solutions  if she allows herself the freedom to mull over it for a little while before the insightful ideas can truly emerge.

Here are the things I do when I take on a new project.

• READ! In the old days, I'd hit the library. I would spend hours just flipping through books. With access to information the internet affords us  there are really no excuses not to become a subject matter expert in a short time. I look for articles, books, pictures, commentary -- anything and everything I can get my hands on -- both serious and silly. This collection of information is like brain food. Various sources give me a sense of the broad landscape and insight into the inside jokes which may reveal real problems.

• SHARE! One of the best ways to see if I understand what I'm talking about is to explain what I'm doing to people who have little to no idea what I'm talking about. Their questions help me think through the problem even if they seem obvious to me. If I can get them to repeat key phrases I know I'm actually communicating the essence of the program. You can't do this with your colleagues or anyone intimately involved in the project. They are too close to it to be able to separate jargon from real words and concepts.

 

• WALK AWAY!     I will think of ideas, set a goal to work on a presentation, then I abandon it. In the back of my mind, I know that I have a deadline. By setting a goal my mind keeps working when I'm not consciously thinking about it. I hate missing deadlines -- but I find that if something isn't urgent, I wind up with a better solution if I let myself ignore the problem for awhile.

 

• DREAM!  Many of my best solutions have come to me after a good night's rest. I'll watch a movie or catch up on the news. Then shortly before bed, I will skim over my materials.  Often I wake up with a new way to attack the problem/presentation.

 

• SKETCH! This may sound nutty, too, but for some reason, doodling or sketching or painting can free parts of my brain to wander. I look at my doodles and can picture a slide in my presentation in my mind  -- or I can "hear" a tag line or a good post in my head.  I think that the very act of creating something that is unrelated to the problem you are trying to solve paradoxically allows the flow of additional creative juices -- and some divert to your problem without any conscious help from you.

What do you do when you are starting new projects? How to you come up with ways to solve your problems?

The masks we wear #30DBC

 

'"A mask tells us more than a face.” 
― Oscar Wilde

We all have masks. Even the most transparent of us, those who wear our hearts on our sleeves, can find ourselves in a position where the truth is not appropriate to share. Sometimes, it is a conscious effort, this mask we put on. Telling people that you are just fine can relieve you from the awkwardness that happens when you trust them with your real thoughts.

But what if maybe you're not that upset? Or maybe you are too angry for words? Maybe you just don't feel anything at all. Sometimes, I think by not sharing something, you are sharing too much. If you're too quiet, people make up their own stories to explain your actions or lack thereof.

My mom has been bipolar ever since I can remember. She is also a hoarder.  Both of these things were undiagnosed until about 12 years ago when things finally came to a head. She was always very cheerful and energetic when we were out and about at school and activities. People thought she was charming. But back at home, it was a house of cards. 

My childhood was spent keeping secrets. We were never allowed to have friends visit our house. I think the only relatives ever let in were my aunt and cousin who had similar issues with keeping more than they could handle.

My sisters and I became very good at making up stories. (OK, lying.)

We were always instructed to tell people that my mother was ill (which ironically was the truth -- it wasn't as much physical as it was mental) and therefore we couldn't have visitors. That wasn't really the whole story. Only a few very close friends were privy to my mother's manic outbursts and the living conditions in our house. It was simply much easier and less embarrassing to lie to everyone else.

All during my childhood, my sisters and I would try to fix things. I remember always dreaming about winning the lottery and spending all on fixing up our house. In the beginning, my aunts would tell us to listen to our mother and help her out. We did. We'd throw out trash and she'd bring it right back in the house! It took many years of banging my head against the wall to realize that you cannot and will not -- never ever -- change anyone. Change must come from within. If you don't want to recognize there is a problem, you will never get out from under its trap.

I left after college and never, ever, contemplated a move home again despite my mother's pleas to come home and "pay rent."  I felt a great deal of freedom in my tiniest of apartments where people could visit any time without any shame or excuses. 

As crazy as this sounds, I think that the funny part is how I learned so much about how NOT to be from watching my parents.  I loved them dearly, but I didn't like them very much. I should be clear -- they were both very intelligent, funny, and caring people. They gave us a roof over our heads, they paid for our education, they took us on vacations, they did what they thought was best to raise us to be fine young ladies. Unfortunately, they had some serious monsters that they couldn't tame on their own.  All of those wonderful things they did will always be clouded by my memories of their instability, anger and insanity. I would argue with them and try to talk some sense into them  -- and my mom would try to end the argument by screaming that I OWED her respect. The more she did that, the more I came to the conclusion that anyone can birth a kid --  respect is earned through your actions during the toughest of times, especially if it involves exposing yourself to kill your demons.

I think one of the biggest lessons I took away from my childhood is that if you can identify a problem, you have to try to fix it. Ignoring it will not make it go away, it will only make it get worse. This is particularly true with health problems.

You could look great on the outside but your body and mind may be ill. This affects how you see other people, how you treat them, and it shapes your family dynamic.

You can't keep a mask completely on and pretend that you're OK with things that aren't OK. My dad did that for years and he died not fully realizing how much we loved him despite the fact that he enabled my mother but not forcing her to get treatment. He did no one any favors by accepting her as she was.  Now that she's medicated -- we can see the person he fell in love with years ago.

If you pretend everything is OK on the outside and bring your hell home to your family, your mask will eventually crack.  My mother had two switches. Either everyone was to blame for everything in her life -- or everything was fine and dandy because she believed in the Lord. We never knew which mask she was going to wear -- would she be praising us or cursing us? Eventually, her positive mask broke and it was impossible for her to pretend that she was fine.

We've been dealing with some serious health issues in our household. I realize that I don't want to wear a mask, but sometimes, I just can't express how things are. It's not like I'm deliberately holding back -- lord knows, I'm one to share. (Hopefully not TMI!)  But sometimes, things look good on the outside but in reality are pretty shaky in the inner circle.  Other times, they look worse than they really are. I feel great most of the time. However, there are times when stress causes me to buckle. I don't look sick, and yet sometimes I am.  I certainly don't want people to view me as incapable of doing anything.

People say that I'm a really positive person. I wonder if I really am, or if I'm just lying to myself. I don't want to be a constant complainer yet I don't want to pretend everything is OK when it isn't. And you know that it's true -- we all have issues -- and there is always someone who has it better or worse than you do when you make the inevitable comparison.

I can only hope that I am sharing in a way that shows empathy for those also experiencing trying times. And that by being careful with my masks, only taking them out when really appropriate for the audience.

From Broadcasting to Blogging

I started out my career, fresh with a degree in Broadcast Communications from SUNY Oswego, and was fortunate to be on air at several radio stations before I graduated college. After school I moved back down to the New York Metro area and would up becoming part of the Shadow Traffic Network (before it was eventually part of Metro Traffic Control.) I worked part time for a few years and voiced traffic reports on several NY Metropolitan Area stations from WCBS-AM in NYC to Long Island and New Jersey stations as well.

I must admit -- even though TV was the hotter media --  I loved radio from the beginning because it was so intimate. It's just you and your listener(s.) You could literally sit by yourself in a studio with a mike and a turntable and your audience would magically gather to hear you. Each one is taking something from the broadcast -- be it some background filler music, a means of staying awake while driving, or companionship when someone can't sleep. In the beginning, I imagined myself as the next Allison Steele (The Nightbird) -- talking through the night, sharing new music and stories with my "friends." 

As much as I enjoyed the thrill of doing what I had set out to do, I looked around at those who had been in radio careers for decades. While they seemed to enjoy their work, not much was different between what they did in the past and what they were doing in the present. They didn't seem to be challenged. The future looked very boring to me. What used to be an art form was now run by industry consultants. Everything was planned and scripted out. No longer did I feel as if I could do what I had imagined in my bed when I pictured my future at 16.

So, my full time jobs evolved from temporary admin assistant jobs to market research jobs that supported radio, then into more intense marketing sales and managment positions.  I thrived in situations where I had to learn something quickly and explain it to others. My broadcast skills came in handy, even if I was no longer reaching millions of people over the radio.

What I learned early on is that I like both the creative work and the number crunching. If I don't feed both sides of my brain, I get bored. I also like to travel and to present. 

I spent many years working for companies that sold software solutions to marketing problems. Then I opened my own consultancy -- working on projects which allowed me to grow as a person and with a better understanding of the art and science of marketing.

The world has evolved since I went to college. I'd like to believe that I have evolved along with it, always learning the latest communication tools and using them to share stories. I'm learning the CS5 suite, I'm tweeting, I'm blogging, and more. I think the only way to stay alive is to keep talking! And learning! And playing! How about you? How did you become a blogger?

 

Do you Invest in Your Relationships? #30DBC

I just came upon this article while perusing a friends' Facebook.

What a great article and reminder what it means to be a true friend.

I have a ton of acquaintances -- but my true friends are people with whom time and space doesn't matter. There are a few who I talk to almost daily -- several others who make it a point to check in once or twice a week. And then those whose lives are so busy (as is mine) that weeks if not months can go by without a chirp.

What I think I love most about tweeting and email and blogging and Facebook  is that I can still keep up with those I care about, and they, me.

My cousins and sisters read practically everything I write. How do I know? Once every few weeks when we chat they ask me about everything. I am often a little in the dark as they don't choose to post as much as they like to LURK! But even so, with my trusty phone beside me, I can easily text message or post a quick note to anyone practically anytime. And there is nothing like a "hello, thinking of you" to make your day.

We invest in relationships that mean the most  to us. You can tell when you're no longer important when you completely drop off the radar. Don't make that fatal mistake and lose people you care about. 

Is Social Media the Field of Dreams? If you build it, will they come?

Yes and a resounding NO!

Social media isn't like the Field of Dreams. If you build it, they won't necessarily come!

Imagine using the various tools you have at your disposal as if you were building a garden. In addition to prepping the earth, you really have to pick the right seeds, have good weather, pull out the weeds, add fertilizer and pick your crop when it's grown for it to work for you.

The earth, the dirt -- is where seeds are nurtured so that they can develop into strong, mature, fruit-bearing plants. However, if the dirt isn't good (too rocky, not enough loam, too sandy,) no amount of seeds or rain will produce a consistent, quality crop.  This is your business. If you don't have a good model in place, good recommendations, correct pricing and offerings, no amount of blogging, tweeting and sharing of videos and photos can change that. In fact, it can make it worse!

The seeds you choose have to be appropriate for your region. No sense in trying to grow pineapples in Central Michigan! The same can apply to your nuggets of information that you wish to share with the world. If you are sharing recipes, that won't necessarily help your business unless you are selling something related to food preparation! Write about topics that are related to your expertise, and hone that expertise -- speak of successes and failures -- before you try your hand at another tangent.

The weather is important for all crops. This can be likened to putting content where it will thrive the most. If you are in a business where your concepts are difficult to explain -- do a video. But don't leave that video just on your blog. Videos belong in YouTube and they need to be cross-promoted with various other social media tools in order to reach your intended audience in a place where they may be looking for your service.

Weeding and fertilizing your crops can help take a so-so garden and make it suitable for feeding not only your family, but the neighbors. With a good social media strategy, you need to promote the more popular posts -- both your own content and others.

In fact, the more you work with others to spread content -- the more your content will rise to the top -- if it is quality. Any "weeds" (spammy commentary) need to get plucked (deleted) fairly regularly, or else your garden (blog, Facebook page) will become overrun with junk.

Finally, when you grow something, you need to pluck it at it's peak of perfection. If you harvest too soon, the produce is not mature enough to eat. If you wait too long, it falls off and rots. So too, are potential customers who are reading your information and learning from you. When they inquire about your services you need to be ready to harvest them at their peak. If you jump on someone who merely puts a comment on your blog -- you may turn him off. If someone asks for a call or a quote, and you wait too long, you may lose your opportunity with that prospect -- it will fall and rot on the ground. 

If you build it, and tend to it, not only will they come, but they can eat at your table. 

Tend your Social Media Garden!

 

If one is #good, then ten must be #great! #30DBC

We live in an age of excess. No debate there.

We all have seen the statistics about serving sizes being a major cause of obesity. Someone along the way decided that 8 ounces was just not large enough and before we knew it, 16oz became standard soft drink servings, then even 32oz just wasn't enough!

It's the same in the world of social media and in particular, hashtags. (#) 

Hashtags evolved as a means of helping people filter and contribute to conversations. Simple to create and use, they stormed the social media world, starting with Twitter as a way of organizing threads with common themes. All you had to do was use a tag, (#sm, #fb, #syracuse, #2012decision) and anyone interested in following or contributing to the flow could read and respond by applying a filter to his stream.

Unfortunately, the multiplication logic of our life of excess was quickly applied to all things social media. Instead of using just one or two tags, people started creating posts and filled most of their 140 characters with references to other subjects.  I personally hate this trend. I feel that it kills the usefulness of the tag. If something is about everything -- where is the actual thought within the post? Where is the true theme in the common thread?

I've seen this done on Instagram, too, with pictures. If a picture is worth a thousand words, why are you adding a thousand words to the picture?! The reason people do this is because the more we automate, the more we rely on algorithms to find patterns to sort through the firehose of items that rush past us. Without these bots acting as gateways and redirects -- we would miss many good posts. Additionally, if you're playing the social media game, many equate raw numbers of likes and follows (quantity) to the actual quality of the interaction. I don't think that could be further from the truth!

Unfortunately, I feel what we've done is create a bunch of machines following each other. The beauty of social media is the art of the conversation. Keep that in mind next time you're tempted to "optimize" your posts with many hashtags. 

Sleep...or lack thereof, continued #30DBC

Figures.

I write a post about the importance of getting 8 hours of sweet shuteye and what happens? I have one of the worst nights of sleep in weeks!

Was in bed by 10-ish but couldn't sleep to save my life. Could have been the election coverage. I don't normally try to sleep with the TV on and last night was no exception. I was watching the big screen with one eye -- the other was focused on my little screen as I attempted to catch up with reading. At some point, we both realized that staying up wasn't going to change the morning's results and with a click, we turned it off.

While we shut the lights out I couldn't stop thinking. Funny thing, I can't remember what the heck was so important last night -- but trust me, whatever it was -- I kept turning it around and around in my head and it kept me up.

I think I was down by midnight -- but something startled me at 3:00am. The half-awake, no lights on bathroom path is well-established and luckily, after my "I'm over 40" trip, I was back in my bed before I had a chance to think about it. No sooner had I snuggled up to George Clooney on some beach, somewhere -- my eyes fluttered open!  I thought it was an angel but after my eyes refocused from bright light I realized that my daughter was standing at the foot of my bed. A glance at the clock?   5:00 am! My right arm automatically stretched across the bed. Pat, pat, pat, pat -- nothing there. Husband was in the bathroom. I can't pass this one off, I thought.

I know this won't win me any mother of the year awards, but it's the truth. I asked my girl what was wrong, she replied "tummy ache." I think I mumbled something about throwing up and she dismissed it. And like that, sensing that this wasn't really that urgent, I told her to get a blanket and sleep in my big comfy chair. 

Head finally positioned right, I felt myself drifting again. Just as I was about to sink back into sleep I heard rustling.  It was my husband walking down the hallway, then downstairs, opening doors. He came out of the bathroom, noticed the light on in our daughter's room. He didn't see her in her bed, clearly missed her in the darkness of our room, and was searching the house for her!!!  As much as it pained me, I got out of bed, reluctantly, stumbled downstairs and provided her whereabouts and health condition.

At this point, any chance for real deep sleep was as likely as poor A-Rod hitting a ball this past season! The spell was broken, my mojo - gone. Or so I thought. I laid down yet again.

At 7:30 my son was shaking me -- he needed a ride to school.  

And just like that, my night was over. My sleep, as elusive as ever. My mood was only lifted by the smell of coffee.

Turning in early tonight. Please, don't leave the lights on.

 

Forever is composed of nows. #30DBC

"Forever is composed of nows." Emily Dickenson

There's nothing like a life-changing health scare to make you stop and think. Your "woulda-coulda-shouldas" are your regrets -- and the things you have accomplished --  are those memories you savor. When you are alone with your thoughts do you want to be marinating in your excuses or celebrating your braveness?

Not everyone just leaps in to new adventures with both feet forward -- for various reasons. Sometimes people have a real fear of failure. Others are living behind a curtain of lies, a web of deceit that even they aren't fully cognizant of, and don't want to be discovered for who they really are. Still others are paralyzed by the very thought of imperfection. Whatever your reason -- it's not enough to pull yourself out of the game. Only you are capable of benching yourself. Is that how you want to remember your life? As the "he had such potential" guy?

Life is too precious and too short to constantly put off to tomorrow what you could do today. Especially the simple things.

Consider this when you are thinking about trying something new. What's the worst thing that could happen? The absolute worst? Unless death, dismemberment or incarceration is at the end of your thought train -- NOTHING should stop you from trying something new. 

Fortunately, I learned this lesson early on. Whether it was food or a career choice, a part in a play or a sport -- I've always been encouraged to just try. I have come to believe that the biggest part of living a good life is just showing up and being present.

I remember being just out of school and I wanting desparately to buy a used car. I was barely covering my rent and I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to afford the payments and insurance. My boss at the time, Ann, helped me think through the worst of the worst scenarios. We agreed that if I was in a pickle I might be able to borrow a payment from my dad. If that wasn't an option I could get a third job. And then we finally concluded --  I could always sell the car if I really couldn't find a way to make the payment. ($179/month!!!)  I went from agonizing over my decision to enjoying my new found freedom with my purchase. And having the car put me in a position to take a new part time job that paid more per hour than my 9-5! Things all worked out.

Just a few days ago, I thought -- I'm not really a blogger. I truly enjoy writing, but what could I possibly come up with that would be worth reading for 30 consecutive days? I'm busy! I'm not working on anything interesting to share... And then I stepped back and looked deeply in the mirror and thought, "Well, why the heck not?" The worst that could happen is that I'd stop writing and withdraw from the group of colleagues who are also participating in Oscar Gonzalez's 30 Day Blogging Challenge. If that was the worst, then the best was yet to come.

If you're sitting on the fence, wondering if you should do something -- take my Worst Case Scenario test. Then "carpe diem," "just do it," -- NOW!

Keep waking up in the middle of the night?

 

Oh! I hate when I'm deep in the middle of a great escapist adventure and then *BOOM* I drop out of the sky back into my 
bed and I'm jolted wide awake! 

This happens to you, too, right?

Some people suggest that it's good to get up and read or write down whatever is on your mind. That can help people retain those brilliant ideas that seem to eviscerate the moment the sun comes up.

I suppose that would work if I could think clearly.

I find that when I wake, my heart is often pounding and my mind is racing as it breaches the delicate surface of my dreamscape. I struggle to determine if I'm dreaming, imagining or just experiencing whatever it is that has my mind wrapped ever so tightly. If I try to get up and write down what I've been seeing then I break the spell: 
I simply can't get back to sleep. It's as if once those wheels start turning, they are forced to keep turning! 

I'm not sure what's worse -- being wide away, staring up at the ceiling waiting for that moment where eyelids flutter and I'm back in my dream world OR -- being very sleepy -- but too damned tired to go back to sleep.

I think the latter can be worse because I know without those 8 hours of "beauty rest" I get the early afternoon blahs. And with that in mind, after I fuss a bit, I force myself to go back to sleep so that the rest of my day can be productive.

It's amazing to me that we really don't know much about why we sleep or what really happens to us when we sleep. It takes up between 1/4 and 1/3 or our lives -- and yet we still don't have a clue why our bodies need a span of time to rejuvinate us. Sleep deprivation is absolutely a form of torture -- as all new parents know. All I am sure of is that I can't function during the waking hours unless I get into what I call "my deep freeze." For me, that's not just resting. It's more of a restorative coma (for lack of a better descriptive word) that allows me to wake feeling rested and with energy to attack my day.

One of my favorite pieces on the subject of sleep -- and as a frequent traveler --why we can't sleep well on the first night in a new place, then you MUST listen to one of my favorite RadioLab podcasts. It will change the way you think about the thing you do every night -- sleep.

Zzzzzz..... 

Echolalia and my favorite childhood author, Remy Charlip

A friend of mine asked me today where I got the idea for the name "Echolalia" for my blog. She has a sun (OK, a SON)   --  a warm, engaging, big bear of a hugging creature who we've watched blossom through the years despite being on the autistic spectrum. As she knows, the word, "echolalia" is actually used to describe something that many autistic kids do... they hear something and they repeat it, over and over. Her "sun" T-Bone likes to do that to his own amusement and ours.

No, Dee, I knew about "echolalia" since the early 1970's.

It was all because of a book my dad brought home -- sometime in my early childhood. The book, Arm in Arm by Remy Charlip, was the most amazing book my sisters and I had ever been exposed to. In fact, I think it is one of the reasons I would write letters and doodle fantastic images along the sides. Anyway, on the inside page, the subtitle was A Collection of Connections, Endless Tales, Reiterations, and other Echolalia). What a strange word I thought!

Arm & Arm was filled with silly ditties and amazing stories. Pictures that morphed into other pictures. Sentences and pictures that ran across pages. Some stories required the reader to turn the book around and around the read all the words!

One of the things I remember about my dad is how he read these little snippets of stories night after night without complaint. The stories themselves became inside family jokes -- it wouldn't take more than a "On a dark and stormy night..." to come out of one of our mouths  -- to get us all to recite the rest.

Many years later, when we were helping my dad clean our childhood home, we all felt compelled to find "the book." We couldn't remember the name of the book nor the author, but we were determined to find it -- it became an obsession. I remember searching through box after box, pile after pile, only to come up empty handed. All we could remember for sure is that it was a white book with some fantastic drawings and it started out with a tale of two octopusses who got married. (They walked down the aisle "Arm in Arm in Arm in Arm in Arm in Arm in Arm in Arm!)

My sister Deborah gets all the credit for finding it. And I know Google was involved! She searched and searched for phrases that she remembered and after many false starts, one day she hit the jackpot. Much to our great delight, my sister Christy and I each got a copy for Christmas one year. Needless to say, it was one of the best presents I have ever received.

I remember when I first opened it after so many years. I gathered my kids close and watched their delight as we flipped through the pages.  Eventually, I purchased the full complement of Remy Charlip books -- because, they too, some 45+ years after this one was published -- still find his illustrations and witty stories a gateway to giggles! All I have to say is "I see the moon." and they say "And the moon sees me."  Or "you're a copy cat" only to hear "copy kitten!" followed by peals of laughter! Of course, my husband's name is Pete, so the other favorite is "Pete and Repete were sitting on a fence, Pete fell off and who was left? REPETE ! Pete and Repete..." You get it, right? Perfect kid stuff!

This one book changed the way I thought about books and art, and humor, and expression. 

My kids say their favorite Remy Charlip book besides Arm & Arm -- is the tale of Big Little Beard, Little Big Beard.  (It's officially titled: Little Old Big Beard and Big Young Little Beard: A Short and Tall Tale. (All of his books are available on Amazon.) Sadly, I read that Remy passed away this past summer. Thank goodness his books will live on. He inspired me to think in color and squiggles. How about you?

Do you have a favorite childhood book?

 

An illustration from Arm in Arm: Remy Charlip

 

Not exactly cool, but definitely not dead.

 

http://www.kbkcommunications.com/is-social-media-dead/

It's a funny thing. 

As soon as something becomes adopted by the masses and actually starts working as predicted, the bleeding edge folks declare it dead and move on to discover the next best thing.

Isn't that the way it is with everything? When things get popular, they are less expensive to make and distribute and so they take less effort to find and acquire. Remember when CROCS were just the ugliest plastic shoes you've ever seen? Who would wear them much less pay hard earned cash for them? I don't recall the year they became the "it" thing in footwear, but when you can find knockoffs in every shade and color, you know it's no longer trendy and just part of our accepted culture.

The same thing can be said about social media.  

It used to be that only the cool kids were using Twitter. People who didn't understand the brilliance of short text messages loved to disparage the tool. Same thing with Facebook and LinkedIn.  ("I'm just really too busy to get online, I don't know how you have the time to do it."people would chide.) However, once these tools became adopted by more people, those on the edge were already on to the latest and greatest.

Just because it's mainstream doesn't mean it's lame.  Just because your mother -- even your grandmother is on Facebook doesn't mean you can't use it anymore.

It just means that the way we share information is moving into another, more mature stage. Is the phone dead? The television? The radio?  I don't think social media can be declared dead because it is ubiquitous. I think it is a distinct form of communication that will continue to be integrated into all other forms of media.

I do think that some users have "jumped the shark."  They've taken tools that were meant for sharing and have turned them into pure advertising stream. What used to be joyous about Twitter for example, was discovering gems of thought and being able to connect with anyone just by showing up and reading. Sadly, some people automate their content so much that the instant conversation, the discussion of ideas, is all but gone. 

Smart marketers will remember that thoughtful, original content or commentary is the only way to stay relevant.  

Are you a SURTHRIVER?

Life can suck itself out of you just by dropping a big, old bombshell when you are least prepared for it.

Funny thing? No one -- not one single person -- escapes unscathed. We are all thrown for a loop when we get unexpected health news, we lose our jobs, our lovers or significant others leave us, or there is a sudden death in the family. Often, the situations we find ourselves in are results of choices we've made, other times, we find that we are at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Much has been written about having a positive attitude in life, that the thoughts you think -- become the life you live.

I have developed the modus operandi of a realistic optimist. I don't think that just because I am a believer that anything can happen -- but I do feel that a realistic analysis of the situation combined with a willingness to try (almost) anything at least once -- will make my life more fulfilling. That is, I believe that being positive helps you reach your goals -- but you need to be realistic about what you can accomplish.

Attitude is especially important during those times when we're in crisis. It is how you react to the news, how you analyze its real effect on you, how you feel,  and ultimately what you do with those feelings that separate people who are victims, those who are survivers, and those who I call "surthrivers."

Victims focus all their attention on what happened to them. They dwell on external causes  and often use their situation as an excuse to avoid being present. What they don't realize is that most of the time, others' actions have nothing to do with them.  By focusing on external causes to their misery, they give up the power to live their best lives.

Survivors are people who keep focused on getting through. They are determined to deal with the situation. Survivors are present because they need to return to a situation of normalcy, even if it is a "new" normal. Survivors know that they can't make everyone happy, they can only focus on making themselves happy given their situation.

When you think about who you most admire, are they victims? Are they survivors? Or are you most inspired by those who take tragedy and work with it to become bigger than their circumstances dictate?

"Surthrivers" are people who take what life hands them and not only deal with the situation, but find a way to thrive -- to grow stronger -- because of what they have survived. Surthrivers make their mark in the world by combining a realistic, hopeful attitude with one of graciousness and wonder. Things don't always go their way, but they play whatever hand they are given. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. Their joy is derived from simply playing the game.

I am saddened to hear about all the people who have been forever affected by Hurricane Sandy. I know that many have lost homes, businesses and people they loved. It is a horrific situation and it will take many months for people to be able to wake up without feeling the heavy burden of the disaster.

Their will be many victims who will focus on everything they lost. They will be crushed because material things are missing from their lives.There will be many survivors -- those who will be sad but will turn that sadness into action. They will get through this and they will return to their lives, changed as they are. And there will be a few surthrivers -- those who will go on, inspired by the hell they lived through and will come out of this with a new way to help storm victims or save beaches. They will learn from this experience and grow from it.

No matter what you are going through, think of how you can use your pain to get you not only to the other side, but to a better you. 

A War of Semantics? Of course, I'm Pro-Life!

Why I'm Pro-Life is the name of the OpEd piece in the New York Times.

My friend, Tracy posted a link to it this morning. Tracy and I have many similar opinions and one thing we are both very passionate about is the ability for individuals to make decisions about their own bodies and their own families, without religious or government intervention. So when she posted this link, I knew there was more to the story than the headline.

The author, Thomas Friedman eloquently stated his opinion that the pro-life movement shouldn't stop at conception. Pro-life, according to Friedman, was a phrase that was co-opted by those who believe that life begins at conception and anything beyond that - support for early education, healthcare benefits, environmental issues, gun control, death penalty -- a separate discussion. 

I found myself nodding in agreement as I read his argument. I felt compelled to share the article on my Facebook page as well -- it was the first time I had read such a well-thought out argument for being what is called "Pro-Choice."  (Of course, my girlfriends, who know my views well, all felt compelled to read it and comment as well.)

I have had the good fortune to be blessed with a wonderful husband and two children. I felt life kick and jump inside my womb -- and I know what it is like to have responsibility for living beings that cannot care for themselves. This is one of the primary reasons I felt aligned with those that want to preserve a woman's ability to choose to give birth or not.  Life is so precious that I believe you have to be really ready to step up to the intellectual, physical, emotional and financial changes that having a family brings. I do not think having a child is a right -- I think it is a privilege.

Although I am not a member of any church now, I was raised Catholic . I have many good friends who are still very strong adherents to the teachings of the church. Many, if not most, identify strongly as pro-life. But many of them are also adament about welfare, socialized healthcare, money for education, etc. Those are all issues that involve a discussion and reverance for life beyond the womb!

And that's what I think gets me the most.  It's the implication of the words "Pro-Choice." If you are a thinking, politically aware person, you know that to many, they are the equivalent of Pro-Abortion or Pro-Death. When you say you are for choice, you are labeled as someone who believes in killing babies. And that's just not the case. It's not that simple.

I can't imagine anyone who has ever been delighted to see a sonogram with a heartbeat or who has held a new baby in his or her arms can callously dismiss the joyous occasion that a new life brings. Nor can someone who has been abused or taken care of abused children, be it drugs, sexual or physical abuse ignore the fact that not everyone is ready to be a parent. Both sides are very aware of what can happen to a life that is wanted versus one who isn't.

I believe that many of us in the United States are much closer in opinion than we realize. It's not the the Right clings to Guns & Religion and the Left are all looking for handouts -- it's so much more than that. Let's make be clear: we are all intelligent, educated, caring beings. We want the same thing -- to raise happy, healthy, productive members of society. Let's get back to the root of the problem: birth control.

I am Pro-Life Choices, and I believe in family planning and choice when it comes to medical care -- including reproductive issues that may include abortion. I believe that we cannot let anyone co-opt the word LIFE to imply that those who believe that there is more to decisions than religious dogma. 

I believe the ultra conservative Right and the uber liberal Left cannot speak for those of us in the middle and it's about time we take back our power to articulate what we really believe. We need to raise our voices and get our hands firmly back around that word -- LIFE --  as it is too precious to take lightly.