Echolalia

When your goals seem impossible...

I have had an ongoing discussion about health and weight for a long time with a few of my good friends. Despite likely being completely tired of hearing me complain how hard it is to stick with something, they continue to listen (or pretend to!) to advise, and to be supportive. They have their own challenges -- none of us claims to have it all figured out. I suppose that's why we're good for each other. 

One idea that is intriguing me is examining the goals that I'm setting and figuring out what benefits I get from NOT obtaining those goals.  Sounds confusing, right? But it is actually pretty simple and I think a smart way to figure out what is standing in my way.

It goes like this:

My goal is to lose weight and in general, be more fit. Why? Well, I think I'd just feel better overall if I dropped some pounds. Plus, I love getting dressed when I am fit. I love being able to walk into any store and having lots of things look good right off the rack. Plus, life is easier when you are healthier. While there is nothing wrong with me now (well, I am overweight on the charts), I can look and feel better and possibly prevent health issues from getting worse if I become more physically fit.

In order to do that I should:

1. Exercise daily
2. Eat better
3. Stop drinking

So now I'm supposed to look at these things I should do and describe the benefits I get from NOT doing them. (Still with me?)

1. Exercise daily. 

When I don't exercise, I have more time to do other things I like more. Like writing, reading, cooking, being with my husband and kids, or doing nothing at all.  I'm a big fan of not always being somewhere or doing something. Sometimes I just like to be off the grid. Seems to me like regular exercise takes up a good chunk of time between getting there, going to the class and then showering and moving on. And when you're working full time and have responsibilities that start the second you get home, it feels like an indulgence (a bad one, not a good one) to spend that time exclusivley on yourself. The bottom line?  When I do spend time at the gym, I feel guilty like I'm wasting my time when I could be doing something more productive or helpful to the family. 

2. Eat better.

When I eat poorly, it's more about time & convenience than anything else. I really like to cook but sometimes I don't have the energy to shop for all the right stuff, do the prep and the cooking, then clean up. I love good food, but I just get lazy -- and convenience food allows me time to do other things and get out of the kitchen.

3. Stop drinking alcohol

You know when the doctor asks you how much you drink? I would say socially. I don't have alcohol daily, but I do enjoy adult beverages.  Giving that up means giving up something that makes me relax. I love taste of wine (especially with cheese and bread) and I enjoy the way that people let their hair down when they meet over drinks. I don't want to miss out on that interaction that doesn't really seem to happen over coffee.

So, then the next part of this is to see if any of these *benefits* are worth more than the actual goal. 

1. Exercise doesn't have to be all or nothing. And it can be social. And I think that's what I crave the most is the social aspect of it. By signing up for classes with friends I can get what I want out of the time. Or I can do it with the family. Now that it is warmer out, I feel much more inclined to do something active outside, so let's cross that benefit off the list. I always feel so much more energetic after I get out and get my heart rate up.
2. Convenience is a big benefit, but I really can find convenient healthy options to eat for those times that I don't want to be bothered cooking, so I can cross that off the list. 
3. Drinking isn't all or nothing. I can just have 1 glass of wine for every two glasses of water. I don't need to drink, I just like to do it. So that's a crappy excuse. No one cares if I drink when we go out, in fact, I have several friends who have given it up to lose weight. I just enjoy it, and I don't overdo it, but it probably makes sense to save it for special occasions.

So I can clearly say that the benefits that keep me from reaching my goal are not worth more than the benefit of achieving the goal of losing weight and getting more fit.

I just have to make it easier to avoid the benefits that I get from not keeping the ultimate goal front and center. That means making myself more accountable -- to me. This requires more thinking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflections from the Christmas Tree

The week that sits smugly between Christmas and New Year's has always been a week of limbo wonderland for me.

I love the smells and the sights of the holiday season. I like how people seem to be just a little nicer (when they aren't stressing out over parking spaces and retail deals.)

I love getting the tree out, and remembering the who, what, and when of the stories our ornaments tell. The stringing of lights -- should we do all white? Purple? Multi-colored? And where are those little pinecones and snowmen I love? I like the cold weather, the white of the snow, the gentle snowflakes falling against the window --sticking fast then melting slowly, the birds perched on branches, pecking away at the seeds, the warmth of the fire,the smell of hot cocoa with gooey marshmallows that melt into oblivion, the sweet taste of candy canes, the tartness of the lemon over the fish... oh, the sights and sounds and smells of the season can be intoxicating!

But then there is the end of the year, the reckoning of what was and wasn't accomplished. Where we were and where we are now. It is incredibly sobering to stop and take measure of what you've done with the last twelve months.  How much you've grown, and for many of us, how much you may have regressed in areas where you most needed to let go.

I get a double-whammy of navel-gazing this time of year because my birthday falls during this week, too. I think of where I am with my health -- my family, my friends, my work -- and where I may have thought I wanted to be. Fortunately, I don't think I would change much if I had the chance to relive my life. I find myself ever bolder than ever these days, saying what I think, and meaning what I say. I am trying to make what is hopefully, the second half of my life even more rich than the first. I tend to think that we age like fine wine -- we only get better with time. But stopping to assess and enjoy a few sips along the way is essential. No sense in going to your grave with an unopened bottle.

When I was in grade school, I hated having a holiday week birthday. Mine was celebrated with family, but without much fanfare, and honestly, that was something I grew to expect. I'm not actually complaining. I think they did the best they could -- as they struggled with their own demons during the holidays -- but they did share this unmistakable melancholy veil that tinted holidays to come.

As I got older and could choose what I wanted, I was fortunate to have colleagues for friends. They would have champagne and cake with me if I worked that week. And my sweet husband always remembers and has surprised me with his creativity and kindness, especially in years where I have felt the lack of sunshine and the paradoxical sadness which is the other side of holiday joy.

I think about so many people who suffer from loneliness during a season even though they are surrounded by people. I have worked hard to combat those feelings by adopting people as family into my life. We spent this Christmas Eve surrounded by our "chosen family." Many of us were talking about how incredibly cool it is to be with people who don't put you into any role from your childhood. No family fights, no biting commentary. Just silliness and laughter and a sense of camaraderie.

The idea of having people in your life because you want them there, not because they have to be there is quite compelling to me.  Spontaneous expressions of wonderment which come from sharing experiences is the best gift of all. Having someone like you for you. That's more than any mandatory family (or relationship) can offer, it is indeed something to be treasured. I am not a religious person, and although I know some people think labeling yourself as "spriritual" is a cop-out -- it's the truth. I don't believe in a "god" but I do believe in the magic of our spirit. I believe in people I meet who are extraordinary in their willingness to grow. I believe in old souls and new perspectives. I get the butterfly effect -- I feel it. Energy is alive and can be shared or sucked out of us depending upon our own awareness of how we affect others.

Not sure what 2014 will bring, but looking back on this year, and celebrating this past week with people I care deeply about makes me feel very lucky indeed.

 

 

Eat the Rainbow

 

 

I'm sitting here with my dear friend and nutritional mentor, Laurie Palmiero Wilde talking about making big changes again. I know what to do. I have the friends who want to support me. I even like the freaking food! But the problem is all in my head. It's not that I can't do it, it's that I haven't figured out how to stay motivated past a meal or two at a time. Evening comes, that wine & cheese call my name, and I'm slaughtered. Slave to my indulgences.

Eat the rainbow, she says, encouragingly. With vodka, I plead?

 

7 Fitness tips for "Losers." #30DBC

A fitness blogger and friend, Greta Boris, always shares a lot of good ideas she has about chocolate and wine, but her greatest passion and her strength, I believe, is her dedication to fitness. As a fitness coach who helps others get off their behinds, she says it was pretty easy to stay in shape when one is paid to do it.  Now, no longer a gym rat, but a writer,  she finds it harder to squeeze in a good workout.  She shared her thoughts on what works and doesn't work for her in this post. 

I've been trying to slowly change how I approach eating, fitness, work, and play. I remember being in my 20's and boldly declaring to the 50 somethings around me that "Life is too short not to eat what you want."  Oh, how I wish I could eat those words. Yup, back then I didn't really have to worry about it. Now?  I love to cook. I love to entertain. I don't like the gym. I do feel better when I work up a sweat though. And I feel better when I avoid processed foods. My goal this time? To be a real "loser." I am aiming to lose my old habits and shed some weight while I'm at it.

1. No absolutes: I am not giving up because I have gone off plan. I am learning to get back on the wagon with the next meal or snack. I used to just get frustrated with myself and give up, but these days I'm simply not falling for that excuse. Each bite of food is a choice. Sometimes I choose immediate pleasure over long term goals. So what! No one gets out of shape or fat from one meal or one day on the couch. I don't have to be perfect to get to my goal. No matter how many times I heard that advice, I never seemed to listen to it and incorporate it. This time feels different.
2. No faking it: I am not as active as I want to be partially because I haven't felt like it. It's cold and gray out. The few times I went walking with friends in fall (5+ miles) I overdid it. I paid the price the next two days. I am learning to find my limits and push them slowly. It's not a race -- its a complete transformation of my lifestyle that I'm after. Now some people follow "fake it 'til you make it" and it works for them. I just feel like an imposter dressed in spandex when I go that route!
3. Portion control: This one has always been a challenge. I've always liked good (healthy) foods, but I also enjoy things that aren't as healthy when consumed more frequently. So bread, wine, and cheese are not completely out of the picture, but now I'm trying to take a portion and then stop. It's particularly hard when friends keep filling your glass, but I can always get up and move the glass, right? And a glass or two on the weekend isn't really bad for you. It's the daily drinking (calories and dehydration) that wear you down.
4. No daily weighing: There are two camps on the subject of weight management. Some say you should weigh yourself daily and accept fluctuations, others say stay off the scale and just go by how your clothes fit.  I have decided that once every few weeks is good enough for me. I get discouraged when I hop on daily, and I also know that it's easy to get comfortable and simply blow off the metrics. Hopefully, I will see movement in the right direction.

I do like these ideas and am thinking about incorporating them into my daily routine.

1. Use a pedometer:  And wear it EVERY DAY. I have a Fit Bit. (Actually I had 2 but the first one I lost and then the second one? I jumped into the pool with it. Mere hours after it arrived in the post. Yup. Luckily for me, I tried a zillion tricks to dry it out and I got it working again.) Truth be told, when I wear that little tracker I feel like I have to move more. Psychological mumbo-jumbo it might be, but on the days that I'm slugging, I take it off so that I don't have to see how lazy I've been. Isn't that telling? 
2. Start the day with exercise: I know many people who put their excercise needs before coffee. Some swear by meditation. I've done that in the past and have been successful with it. In the winter, not so much. But when it is quiet and the sun is rising? I love being outside to wake with the world. As the snow melts here, I find myself longing for those 6:00am morning walks. (I tend to rise and pick up my iPhone. Probably not the smartest thing to have it next to my bed! And don't be snarky, I bet you do it, too!)
3. Make a playlist that lasts as long as your workout should last: I read this somewhere and I'm just making my new list. The idea is that if you say you have 45 minutes to exercise then make yourself a playlist that starts out slow (to warm up,) gets faster and peaks, then slows down again for the cooling down period. Over time, your brain learns to associate the rhythms with endorphins flowing through your body. I have no idea if this will work, but I'm game to try anything to get me out and more active more often.

My goal isn't to be rail thin. I'm pretty healthy but I want to feel better in my clothes. I want to sleep better, stay more alert, and live more of my life outside. So, are you as bad as I am? What are you doing to motivate yourself to change your life?

 

Thin? Heavy? How does it affect your confidence? #30DBC

Do you look in the mirror and actually like what you see?

Now I'm not saying you're perfectly satisfied with everything, but seriously, does a look in the mirror make you smile most of the time, or do you scowl?

I have been a very slinky size 6, and I have watched as the years have gone on and my weight put me at a 16 (and higher, at times.) Yet, no matter what size I am, I manage to look in the mirror and find something that makes my lips turn up at the corners. I think that who I am inside can be seen through my eyes, and so it doesn't always matter what my reflection shows. (Not that I don't have messed up hair with a squished pillow face -- it happens to us all except those tv characters who go to bed in full makeup and wake up without raccoon eyes!) 

Now before you think I'm getting all egotistical, you need to know my philosophy on these things. I think no matter what your size or physical capabilities, confidence is only found when you realize your own worth (but humbly -- meaning, with respect to others unique gifts.) I know that's often easier said than done. Your charm, your wit, your ability to connect with others -- that's all a result of your ability to process emotions -- it is your very essense -- your personality, and that has nothing to do with the size of the clothes that hang in your closet. Or at least it shouldn't in my book. I've tried to live with that in mind when I have those days where my confidence is shattered. 

Why is it that some of us don't eat and take to exercise when stressed, and others find comfort in noshing and resting? Either extreme is bad, but neither will do damage if done in moderation.  I have periods where I sit in both camps, alternating bursts of energy with periods of sluggish rest. Lately, I've been more sluggish -- almost like I'm in purgatory. Waiting on lots of possibilities to turn into realities, nurturing them as best as I can, but the waiting can take a toll on your psyche, can't it? 

It's funny, but the reason I'd like to shed pounds and become more physically toned has nothing to do with my confidence. It has more to do with fashion options! I like to get dressed and I don't like what I see off the rack. I find that some of the most unusually beautiful, expressive clothes are tailored to women who are shorter and rail thin. Those of us who are tall (5'10 1/2) and curvier don't stand a chance finding something that fits in those stores. (Have you ever heard the saying -- "If you can't get rid of it or hide it, at least dress it up!")

Do you find that your weight affects your confidence? What do you do when you need that boost, no matter what the scale says?  Many women rely on makeup. (Men don't do that (at least the vast majority I know don't get excited about a new lipstick!) What makes you feel better about yourself regardles of what the scale says? How do you see what's within?

 

Yeah! Uh, no. (Willpower schmillpower.) #30DBC

So, I was "good," "on plan," "committed," -- all that good stuff, until dinner tonight.

And then, when I was making dinner for my family, I folded.

I didn't drink juice for dinner. But I did have a plate of mostly veggies with half a roasted chicken breast and a little bit of pasta (maybe half a cup?)  And then herbal tea. And coconut water. And 2 small squares of ultradark chocolate.

No wine. No bread. No cheese.

Perfect? No. Progress? Yes.

My biggest wish for myself this year is that I simply pay more attention to the things that matter. That I stop doing things by rote and instead, think, feel, observe and plan a little more to put myself on the road to where I'm going.

And right now, that's to bed. Night!

Breaking Bread in the 'Burbs #30DBC

I just read an article in the New York Times about the demise of a city institution, The Dinner Party.

Free on Saturday night for dinner and poker?

The author talked about how difficult it is to fill the table with interesting people, plan the "right" menus, and deal with guests who don't really know the rules of etiquette.  They don't always RSVP, and if they do, it's last minute and via text.

I lived in Manhattan when I was out of college. I was far too broke and unconnected to be part of any social circle that involved the dinner ritual. I would read articles about fancy parties and imagined myself dressing up to the nines (what does that mean anyway?!) and being seated next to good conversationalists in art and business circles. "Well when I was in Cannes..." I'd begin.

Yep.

Instead, I found my life partner and he and I moved out of our city apartments, had a year lay over in Hoboken and eventually wound up in Old Greenwich, CT. A completely different fantasy filled my head. I saw the 30 somethings from Wall St -- blond women with tow headed children on the beach at the point -- husbands coming home off the train. And for a while, I imagined myself in that role -- throwing the annual Christmas parties or having a masked ball.

All along, I had a job. I actually had several. I was never a socialite, and I worked in an office until I formed my consulting practice a few years before we had our kids.  Poof! The fantasy of fancy dinners disappeared.

When we moved "upstate" (actually Central New York) we knew a handful of people. Most of us had young children. We also enjoyed adult company. And through a desire to do both -- have our limited time filled with our kids, keep expensive babysitters and evenings out to a treat -- we started having dinner parties.

These were not fancy affairs, but they were culinary adventures. We've had lots of theme nights -- soup, salads, barbeque, Japanese, takeout Thai, meals on sticks, freshly caught wild game -- you name it, we'd do it. Everyone would bring something and we'd eat together and share stories of job hunting, health, politics, religion, sex, caring for aging parents, and raising children. 

And when dinner was done, we played Texas Hold'em. In the beginning, when the kids were really young, we'd put them to sleep and stay up talking and drinking and playing until 2:00am. As the years progressed and early weekend sports became the norm, we've found that we need to end things by 10:30 or 11:00 so everyone can get home and sleep before the next morning.

Breaking bread together has been a very significant part of my social life. My kids have learned how important it is to welcome people into your life, into your home and to be kind.  We've had nights with upwards of 12 kids running around while we adults were crowded around a table, laughing, and forming inside jokes that will last for years (Lenny Kravitz!) Some friends have been staples around the table, and we've had a few move on  -- some  literally -- to other countries! I wish it were possible to do more than 4 couples at at time. It gets a bit unweildy when there are more -- but sometimes we do it anyway.

One of the interesting things is how much you can tell about people when you play a game that is social and yet cerebral with other couples. People who are too competitive or nit-picking their spouses just don't make it back. We have a lot of mutual respect and admiration for the people around our table and always bring in new couples or singles who are easy-going and interesting -- but to be honest, I've invited people just because I'd like to get to know them. Funny thing, as the kids have more activities on the weekends, we've had a difficult time coordinating our dinners. And we've discovered that or kids miss them as much as we do.

I wouldn't trade our weekend gatherings -- as simple as they are -  for a million NYC dinner parties. Would you?

Some are silver and the other are gold #30DBC

Remember this childhood rhyme?

"Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and other is gold."

The rule is pretty simple -- go make shiny new friends -- but your longer term, old friends are like gold, always hold on to them.

While old friends certainly can feel comfortable like your favorite pair of slippers, there is something to be said for bringing new people into your life.  Like shoes, a new pair is important now and then as different footwear is good for different terrain. 

I have young children, and I have met many other wonderful men and women who have become "framily" to us. We live far from my sisters and my husband's brothers and so these are the people who have become part of our daily lives. We celebrate birthdays together, we vacation together, we help each other through rough patches. We cheer for each other's kids at soccer and baseball, we cry when we hear about divorces or illness. No, new friends don't have the history that our old friends share, but we are creating our new shared memories together, now. We live in the present, not in the past.  Many of these friends have become as dear as our old friends and have quickly become people with whom I have no doubt that we'll know long into our gray hair days.

We've been dealing with some serious health issues in our home.  Our family came up as soon as they heard (traveling 500+ miles from points south) -- but they can only do so much from afar. So, we've had to rely on our friends to provide practical support (rides, childcare) as well as emotional support (often including wine!) One of my old friends took an entire week of meals upon herself -- (filled my freezer, full!) and another paid her cleaning people to come get my house in order.  That's old friends for you.  (Go big or go home!)

Friends bring color into your life!

I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was to have our newer friends set up a MealTrain to feed us over these past few several weeks.  And the most amazing part is how many people signed up to help us.  Many people we knew socially, but they were not close friends. It's not like we actually need to be fed each day. At first, I resisted the idea. But as the weeks have gone on, I have discovered that there is nothing more nurturing than people who care who want to do something. A meal is something so basic -- but we have to eat. Helping nourish someone else, especially when there's nothing else you can really "do" takes on a greater meaning than usual.

No matter where I go, people are always offering help. And they call daily, they laugh and they cry with us. These people go beyond friends -- they've turned into what I like to call "framily."  While some say blood is thicker than water, you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends -- and they can choose you.

And then, there is an entirely different group of people that I have been talking with for what seems like years online, but we've yet to meet in real life. Yet I feel like I know them well and they me, too. I have no doubt that when we finally see each other, we'll embrace and settle in comfortably. These new friends bring new experiences, new stories, new ways of looking at things. They offer their friendship without strings attached.  We just wind up being there for each other, connecting, providing comfort and advice not from a feeling of obligation but rather by choice. 

Friends are the glue that keep us together. Whether old or new, the truth is that you have to be willing to receive help when it is offered, and you have to be able to give help when it is needed. True friendship is a balance of vulnerability. We don't want to always admit it when we need help, and often we don't want to request it or take it when it is offered. But in order to have friends, you have be a friend. And you have to forget about the "tit for tat" notion. People give freely without expecting anything in return. And a good friend knows when to give freely and when to be open to receive.

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Comfort Food

I don't know if it's just because it's raining and it's 50 degrees out. Or maybe it's because it's allergy season again and we're all a bit under the weather in our house...

Not sure what is driving me to cook up a storm.  (I have several theories. But mostly, cooking is therapeutic for me -- it's how I take care of the people around me, too.  When I could be doing other things like organizing my papers, cleaning out my office, my messy closet or something more productive, cooking feels indulgently pratical. After all, you have to eat, right?)

Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter, but I am on my way to Wegman's again -- for much needed supplies.

I have a friend who desparately needs some Morning Glory muffins -- my kids are craving oatmeal cookies with dates -- and thinking about dinner, it seems like turkey over mashed potatoes with some jelled cranberry and sauce might make us all feel right.

I was getting ready to make this butternut squash soup, when I realized that I needed a few more ingredients.   Now I'm often one of those cooks who just improvises. I take the recipe as a suggestion and hunt around my kitchen looking for things that would work to give me the experience that is promised in the written word. For some reason, today I feel like I need more structure to focus my mind.

Something about the rhythm of the chopping, the reliance on a recipe, the heat from the oven, the smells that slowly fill the kitchen then spread like a serpent-genie throughout the house -- gives me that feeling of home.  Have you ever felt kind of lost, and then a simple whiff of something just brings you back in? In moments like these I just am grasping for a feeling to hold onto -- kind of an ethereal hug.  I guess that's why they call it comfort food.

 

Tremoring Forepaws?

>>Princeton University and University of Florida researchers have found that sugar-binging rats show signs of opiatelike withdrawal when their sugar is taken away — including chattering teeth, tremoring forepaws and the shakes. <<

I don't know about you, but I believe this is the case!

I've been reading quite a lot about the effect of wheat on the brain -- as well as all carbs high on the glycemic index. It appears as if our bodies get caught in an endless loop of "i can't get no" -- since satisfaction is fleeting.  Carbs are broken down into sugar, plain and simple.  Research from the book "Why We Get Fat"  is very convincing that the best fuel for our bodies -- and the way to maintain a healthy frame -- is to turn the conventional food pyramid upside down then smash it silly.  Eat a diet of mostly fats and protein with leafy green veggies and eat sugary fruit sparingly, and you'll find your natural balance without feeling endlessly hungry.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/20/craving-an-ice-cream-fix/?hp